9.10 min.
| 4.714286 user rating | 823 views
THIS IS NOT THE ENTIRE LETTER:
I just wanted to say I love you to pieces!! I really enjoy watching your videos, you are very intelligent, beautiful, & give great advice, & how you always stay positive inspires me to try to do the same...even tho life is really rough most of the time for me. & when I look at your face & hear your voice, you come off so genuine, you seem like a very wonderful/good person even off camera, like you don't seem fake at all...I see way too many fake people, it annoys me lol. One thing that you said in one of your recent videos, to keep hanging on & things will get much better...I really want to believe this, & when I hear you say it, it's like I almost really believe it. I've been living in hell myself for years, ever since my son was born(he's 5 years old now). It's not hell of course because I have him, I love my boy...he is the light of my life, he's the only thing that makes life worth living...but indeed, having him has made my life really really hard. I would rather go through this struggle than be w/out him, but sometimes...omg, life gets so hard & so frustrating I feel like I just want to go jump off a bridge(no joke). I've been extremely depressed for years, especially after I lost my last job back in 08...I haven't worked since & I've been stuck living with my family. They take good care of me & my boy, but I don't want to live like this...it doesn't make me feel good at all, I want my own independence & I want to take care of my child & myself all on my own. I want a job very badly, but the people that work in this house never have time to take me to look...& nothing is in walking distance...& I have zero friends :( I do have a car, but no one has been able to put insurance on it...so, I'm like...so stuck. I feel so helpless, it just tears me down so bad. Like, I'm 23, I'm about to be 24 in Feb & I feel like my life is just wasting away...& it kills me. I've tried finding jobs online, but it's hard finding any that are legit, & the ones I've applied for never called me back :( So right now, life is very very hard, I feel since my boy has been born I have had a constant rain cloud on my head...like, nothing good has happened for me & my boy...& I keep wondering, when are things going to get better? I don't believe in God, at times I really wish I did...but, when I try to pray or try to talk to God...it's like I have this weird resistance inside of me, like I don't believe in it so much I can't make myself believe in something I can't feel in my heart. So, pretty much I just have a spiritual outlook on things, that the universe takes care of me & looks out for me, guides me on the right path n such...but lately, & for the longest time...I just feel like the universe is beating the shit out of me with a bat...& I just don't know why. Because I am a very good person, I don't do anyone wrong, I usually just keep to myself because every time I'm around people they just want to be bad to me. I thought things were getting better at a time, when I met my ex in October of last year...I really thought he was "sent" to me, like after all the hell I've went through, finally...I have some relief...but, it wasn't that way at all. We were together 8 months, in the beginning he was amazing(too good to be true), I felt like he was very honest, he was good to me & y kid & I could trust him & he was crazy about me & I fell for him. Then after 6 months, he goes back to his ex out of no where. He tires to date both of us, I was so weak that I couldn't let him go...so I stayed in that bull shit, found out from his ex how much of a lying douche he really was, he was hiding so much from me in our whole relationship. He had asked me to marry him 2 months b4 the whole ex thing(& we were looking for a place together & trying for a baby), & he lied to his ex & told her that he never asked me to marry him or any of that, & that really, i meant absolutely nothing to him. It really crushed me, but eventually his ex found out he was still talking to me & being intimate w/ me, so she left...& like a idiot I went back to him for a few more months, found out he was still trying to talk to his ex so I left him for good...& I haven't looked back, I'm happier w/out him(he physically & verbally abused me all the time), i did really love him...but i fell for someone that he really isn't, it was just an illusion. I found out recently that he is in a relationship, & we've only been broken up since may. I'm still single, in a sense I want to be that way, cuz at this point in my life I'm not sure if I could ever trust anyone ever again...I haven't even been able to trust my family. At times I get lonely, but I feel my mind is so warped now, I'm so picky to where no one seems good enough to me, & I'm probably passing up on opportunities w/ decent men...i'm not sure tho. So here I am, jobless, single, carless...& I'm not sure what to do or whats going to happen in my life...
Tags: Nothingsimpossible77
